What If…

Rows of books call me
To the place where they reside
It’s the shelf that’s a lil swollen
From all the rain and heavy tide.
Journals that let my heart speak
With no judgement, no retaliation
No snitches, no critique
But there’s one in particular
That I am so afraid to turn
It’s filled with unsent letters to you
That my coward self didn’t affirm
Mostly just ‘what ifs’ that I
Had swept below the rug
But these hands turned the pages
And with that the thoughts rose above

What if I knew of our fate before?
Would have loved you a little harder
Hugged you a little tighter
Fingers in your hair, more tangled
Intertwining hands forever
Would have given you no reason
To quit and leave
But too many cherries on the cake
Make it taste bittersweet
Wouldn’t have assured no conflict even then
Wouldn’t have assured just highs even then
But despite the chaos I would have chosen you
Again and again.

What if there was an alternate universe where things worked out?
All your promises turned to reality
Living in each other’s company happily
Sometimes there would be sorrow
Sometimes it would be too mellow
Both we would have equally shared
Even without any plans, I felt fully prepared

But what if the ‘what ifs’ don’t matter anymore?
I can’t really change my reality, my surrounding
There’s heavy pour, lightning and thunder
But I can only hear my heart pounding
Too many thoughts in my head
Too many things to speak
But there’s no one, not even you
It’s just the rain, a glass of red and me.